Nice day

Some days are just incredible.

It's funny because today started off kinda badly. I overslept and missed my chance to meditate in the morning. I also was late to my meeting. Was then kinda grumpy for a while. Then, I caught myself being grumpy and got up and went to the bathroom mid-sentence (because I could see I was heading towards anger if I kept the conversation going) and sat in the stall and just breathed for 2 minutes. I was a little less grumpy after that, and it eventually faded completely and I was in a little better mood.

Then went and sat outside in the parking lot (at our new office) in the shade of a tree. Lots of car and construction noise, but it wasn't too bothersome. After 2-3 minutes it was clear that this was special. I could feel my breathing with almost no concepts whatsoever. It was just the direct sensations of breathing, particularly around my nostrils. (I wasn't thinking about visualizations of air coming in and out, or of where I was sitting, or how I was doing, etc). Thoughts randomly came into my mind, but they left quite quickly when I came back to the breath.

It just got more and more settled as I sat. I felt very "borderless" and self-less. Concerns and issues were nowhere in sight. I wasn't necessarily "concentrated" but was very mindful. At some point I realized I was totally free from all concerns (and that there was no self to protect, and no self to gain anything, including enlightenment). This realization continued with each moment, and I couldn't help but be incredibly happy.

Then I settled on the breath for a while, simply being mindful (for what else is there to do when there's nothing to be done?). At some point, the timer rang, which I was hoping wouldn't happen, since it was a very pleasant sitting. But I recognized that even wanting to continue meditating for hours was a form of attachment, so I let that go as well. I resolved to do a little lovingkindness meditation, and then go. I felt complete and total love for every living thing in the universe (and even for non "living" things like the pain in my leg, etc). At one point this image of this old female Thai Buddhist monk with a shaved head popped into my head. It was a scene from a documentary I saw, and I remembered how she just had this fantastic, genuine way of thinking everything was funny and great. Thinking about her laughing instantly brought tremendous happiness and love.

At some point, I thought it was enough, as I started thinking about lunch. I got up, brushed my stuff off, and came back inside.

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(this is an update I sent today to my email-based meditation group)

Joy

I'm so happy, I can't stop smiling.

(Hope the people at work don't think I'm just playing around on facebook...)

For Yael

A while back, Yael responded to one of my posts with this comment, and I've been wanting to reply for a long time:

I have a question that's been bugging me for a while - just wondering what your opinion is. I understand the idea that focusing on achievements/successes/any external thing is a barrier to permanent happiness and likely to lead to suffering (at least some of the time) (if I understand well enough). But then, if I accept this, and just experiencing the present moment is always enough, no matter what it brings, then where does the motivation to do anything (except progress further towards enlightenment) come from? Or is the key to aim to do things that we think will bring good, but not tie ourselves emotionally to the result?

This is one of the more challenging questions asked by people interested in the meditative path, especially for those who already have ambitions to change the world for the better. It's one that I struggled with for a long time myself (and still do, from time to time).

Short Answer

My short answer (at the present point in my development) is that you don't have to be a monk and give up everything to benefit from meditation. There are huge benefits to ourselves and to others if we make a little effort to improve our habits, be less selfish, and express love more often. By changing ourselves in this way, we can learn to help others how they need to be helped (and not how we want to help them).

What we need are unwavering commitment to improving ourselves, developing true happiness, and building compassion for others.

Long Answer

The longer answer, is that when our minds are in an uncultivated state, we're influenced heavily by delusions, particularly the delusion that we exist as "independent selves" separate from other people. We're influenced strongly by powerful desires, which are primarily self-serving. Acting upon those desires causes harm to others as well as ourselves. Under the influence of such forces, how could we reasonably expect to make fully rational decisions about how to best contribute to the world?

In my own life, I've had tremendous ambition to "save the world." Influenced by movies and stories of heroes like Gandhi, etc., I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be the one to save the world, and help as many people as possible. But as I've slowly chiseled away at the notion of "the self" and have diminished my self-centeredness, I've come to recognize that helping as many people as possible doesn't necessarily mean doing it in the way the big shots did, or even being remembered for it. It's my belief that it's really important to first understand how we should help before we dive in.

First, what exactly are we helping with? I'd say that for a do-gooder like myself, I'm interested in helping people suffer less. When it comes down to it, one thing matters more than anything else in life -- whether you're happy or suffering. Anyone would prefer to be happy, and I really can't think of any other way to help a person that is more convincing.

So then, how should we help? We must understand how suffering works. What is it's nature? Where does it come from?

On the surface, it seems like there are many causes of suffering. Some people suffer because they are ill, dying, or hungry. Others suffer from insecurity, sadness, loneliness, or low feeling of self-worth. Others are bored, exhausted from work, stressed, or overwhelmed. Others suffer because they want what they cannot have or because they hate what they do have. Still others suffer from anger towards rivals, anger towards friends, anger towards other groups, or anger towards themselves. And that's just a fraction of the list.

But how could we solve all of that suffering, even limited only to the cases listed above? There are so many apparent causes (sickness, lack of food, a particular person, something someone said, insecurity from childhood, etc). We don't even know where to start. Not to mention that solving one person's problems ("firing that guy who bothers me at work") may be creating suffering for another (the guy who got fired is now unhappy). Where do we begin?

Without going into a long explanation, the wisdom of the path of meditative development is this: suffering and agitation are a result of an ordinary human mind. So long as the mind is not developed properly, suffering will arise again and again without end.

Example: You could end my immediate suffering resulting from interaction with an unpleasant coworker by firing him. But is that the end of suffering? No, of course not. I'll suffer the next time I feel slighted, cheated, diminished, insulted, etc. There is no end to suffering through "fixing" the external world.

I think that some people might say "well isn't what you're talking about really passive? Aren't you just saying that I have to learn to live with my problems, and that's happiness? I don't buy it!" From my own personal experience, it is not simply accepting my problems, or learning to be OK with them. It goes well beyond that.

Every moment becomes rich and full (even when sitting in front of a computer screen!). The feeling we're after is not the one where you "come to terms" with something bad and say "oh well, I guess that's the way it is", it's the feeling of deep happiness and satisfaction with everything that is in the present moment. If this whole thing were just about accepting bad things that happen to us, that'd honestly be pretty weak. Trust me, it goes way deeper than that.

Think of one of the happiest, most love-filled moments of your life. Maybe when you saw an old friend after not seeing them for a long time, or when you got married, or when you hugged a loved one and just felt wonderful. It's like that, but it sticks with you all the time. Happiness begins to lie just beneath the surface, just waiting for any excuse to express itself.

(Not that I claim to be there yet. But I've certainly experienced it for sustained periods of time. And it's happening more and more as I work at it. Lovely, this life is.)

Thanks for the question Yael.

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EDIT: I realized that I was still unclear, so I'm including the comments as well here:

Yael:

Jeff, thanks for the answer =)

I think I am beginning to understand better. Would you think it right to say then, that until you have understood suffering and happiness for yourself, and found lasting happiness so that you are not driven by the search for happiness, you cannot act effectively to improve the world, because you might be led astray by delusions? That only when you are free of your own quest for happiness, can you really be beneficial to others?

Jeff:

To some degree, yeah. I think the point that I failed to address in the post was that personal development occurs in stages. At each stage, you become less and less concerned with the "little things" and the stuff that drove you in the past that actually doesn't matter (because it was a reflection of some delusion that you now can see through). You become more aware of the way the world really works, particularly the human world. We kind of have these assumptions that we operate on, where each person is 1 number, and people can all be treated as individual and separate beings.

As you make progress, you start to see more and more that things aren't what you thought they were (things are more interconnected, we are not independent, we are not truly an unchanging "self", etc.), and as a result, you start to see what truly matters, and what was based on faulty assumptions we've been running on for a long time.

I don't think you need to "go all the way" and be perfectly happy before you start fixing the rest of the world. I think it's important to be both pushing for change in the way that you think matters most in the present, but also continuously working on understanding what matters most from a less "confused" and deluded perspective (in other words, self improvement and understanding). I'm definitely a big fan of taking action now, and not waiting until things are perfect to get started. You can only learn once you start doing!

Lunchtime outside

As I sat outside in the calm warmth of the autumn sun, noting both what was happening around me and what was happening within, I thought to myself:

"Here it is my friend -- the present moment, in its entirety. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Yes"

A thought

Intelligence is not happiness;

Cultivation of intelligence creates a mind that never ceases to search for more knowledge.

Success is not happiness;

To arrive at success, the mind must be developed as to never be satisfied with past achievements, or the way things are in the present.

Wealth is not happiness;

To gain wealth, the mind must be trained to always seek more, and to worry about what has been earned.

Pleasure is not happiness;

To achieve pleasant feelings, the mind must be trained to be satisfied only with certain things, and to yearn when those things are not present.

Skill is not happiness;

Developing a skill requires a mind that constantly seeks improvement over what currently is.

Seeking happiness through any of these paths develops a mind that clings to the past, is unsatisfied with the present, and is anxious for a better future.

Happiness is love for all beings at all times;

Happiness is relinquishment of gain;

Happiness is compassion and generosity;

Happiness is satisfaction with reality, with the present moment;

Happiness is freedom from the self -- the delusion that there is something to gain, or something to lose.

Freedom is to fully experience the present, fully satisfied with what is;

Nothing to gain, nothing to lose, nothing to do,

All in a world filled with people we love.

Truly Rational?

More of a musing, but the other day I reflected that thoughts have a powerful ability to present themselves as 100% rational to our minds. There's this special feeling (that usually goes unnoticed) that causes any thought that arises in my mind to feel as though it were fully and thoroughly rational (as well as 100% true).

It can be a hard thing to catch sight of, but I had a moment where I was doing walking meditation, and I heard someone else walking nearby. My immediate thought was "Oh, I'll stop walking for a moment and stand over here so they don't see me." Which of course was fully rational. Until I paused to reflect -- "Wait, why does it matter if someone sees me? Was that truly a rational thought? Or was it founded in self-consciousness and in a desire to present a particular image of myself to others?"

Definitely the latter.

The End of Hate

This is a topic very dear to me, and one that I've been contemplating quite a bit lately.

A few weeks ago, in the course of practicing so diligently to improve myself and eliminate ego, anger, and greed, I had a pretty bad lapse. Stress had been building at work, and I had gone quite some time without a break (no weekends). I got mad at a computer program I was dealing with, and the anger erupted into full blown rage, going went well beyond the computer. I got mad at some of my closest friends, and if they weren't so forgiving, I could have damaged our relationships forever.

Over the next few days (and during the meditation retreat), I made a resolution, but haven't made it public until now:

I will never get angry again.

I don't see this as something easy -- I see it as something extraordinarily challenging. But it's a challenge worth taking on. A deeper explanation follows

What exactly do I aim to change?

Specifically, I aim for the elimination of ill-will (which is at the root of anger/hatred). Ill-will towards people, objects, or anything else. Even thoughts of anger or enmity towards others will not be tolerated. Cutting it off at the root level (thoughts) would prevent thoughts from developing into words, or into actions. Still, I must be watchful over my overt actions to prevent reinforcing the thoughts in my mind that are the source of anger.

Why eliminate anger?

Angry/hateful thoughts are a direct cause of suffering for myself and for others. Their impact on others is rather straightforward -- I get angry at someone, or wish them ill, and the actions that follow cause them pain. The negative effect of hateful thoughts on myself is more subtle. For one, anger is not a state of happiness. If I could chose between feeling angry and feeling calm and happy at each successive moment, I would always chose the latter. But more importantly (for someone who claims to be on the path :) ), is that anger/hatred are a direct hindrance to development of a peaceful, loving mind. They narrow the mind in a way that makes concentration and mindfulness difficult. They reinforce negative thoughts, ensuring that they arise again in the future. And they strengthen rather than diminish the division between self and other. The last one is particularly important for progress; the more that the division between self and other blurs, the easier it is to see things in a much wiser way.

I think that now is a good point to strive for this goal, as I witnessed during the retreat how wonderful life can be when I'm fully present, free from anger and agitation, and exuding love towards the world.

How can I eliminate anger?

Practically speaking, this is a great challenge (that I wrote about before, here). It often feels as though we aren't in control of our emotions, particularly our reactions to things. "How could I stop myself from being angry?!"

The key here is to use an ever-strengthening sense of mindfulness. First, I need to be mindful of my general state of mind as much as possible (hungry, tired, angry, agitated, nervous, happy, relaxed, excited, etc.). Then I need to be extraordinarily vigilant about even the slightest negative thought. If I think "I don't like that person," I need to quickly catch that thought in the act and observe it with neutrality. With some patience, it simply fades on its own. Note how the approach is not to try to "zap" it away once I find it. It's merely to observe. Through observation comes the gradual change whereby the negative emotion stops feeling like "truth" and starts feeling like "just another thought"

There are a couple more approaches. One is to emphasize developing a feeling of love, particularly when I notice hate/anger arising. Recalling that we're all in the same boat (born with the same tendencies that cause us to suffer), I can be compassionate and understanding of anyone who causes me irritation, and quickly switch to feeling love towards them.

Another, which I developed during my recent retreat, is to become deeply mindful of the present moment whenever a negative feeling arises. If I notice hate towards someone or something, I ground myself in the present moment by stopping what I'm doing and fully noting the various sensations occurring in my body at that point in time (and then moving on to the mental functions). This has proven particularly effective, especially for catching and dissolving desire. When the present moment feels completely "full, complete, and wonderful," there is a much lesser need for things external to myself to be any particular way.

Yet another is the old adage, "take a deep breath." One very valuable technique I learned from Zen master Paul Haller, was this: "Breathing in, accepting [all that is in the present moment]. Breathing out, letting go." Repeat.

So, there are plenty of tools to make use of. The challenge will be the diligence to push through with it, no matter what comes up. I've already seen in the past week, that this will be tough.

The details of my promise

As for the specifics, I promise the following:

• Never to get in a rage
• Never to get angry
• Never to say the f-word (with the exception of quoting people or song lyrics). It's my belief that it is closely tied to a state of anger or negativity
• To avoid saying anything founded on ill-will towards another person
• To avoid thinking hateful thoughts towards another person

This is actually where you come in. I think this is a rather audacious goal, and would be quite difficult to achieve by myself. I really need the support of those who spend time with me to catch me when my own net of mindfulness fails. If you ever catch me doing any of these things, please say to me "Hey Jeff, don't forget your promise to yourself!"

I promise I won't get angry at you :)

Talent - blessing or curse?

When I was young, I always thought of talent as something to be treasured. Especially when I began working on startups, I admired those with talent, and strove to develop skills and abilities I did not have. I often thought about my talented friends who graduated from excellent universities [an insecurity of mine that took a long time to live down], and was jealous of their abilities.

"If only I could remember stuff like __", "If only I could write code like __", "If only I had the musical ability of __". I told myself that if I had all those things, I'd be master of my domain, and able to quickly find happiness.

But as with many things, I was wrong.

As I've developed happiness, I've discovered that it has a lot more to do with attitude and mental habits than with an ability to exercise control over my environment. Even if I do accomplish a goal (using talent that is beyond the common person), the satisfaction that I derive from that accomplishment is short-lived. Satisfaction is not cumulative -- it arises, and then falls away as quickly as it arose.

However, changing attitudes certainly affects happiness. As an example, I began to shift my attitude from "the world is out to get me" to "I love and respect all beings", I noticed that when I sat in public places, I felt happy and secure. It felt as though I was surrounded by friends, and not strangers to be feared. This is a happiness that lasts (at least for the amount of time I'm able to maintain such an attitude).

But going back to talent, is it a blessing, or a curse?

When you have a particular talent (say, "intelligence"), as you accomplish things using that talent, you generally get complimented on it. "Wow Jeff, you're smart!" "Jeff, you're going to win the nobel prize!" -- these were things I often heard in high school. As a result, I began to build an identity around that talent. I thought: "I'm so smart. I can do anything. I'm better than other people at figuring stuff out. I'm one of the smartest!"

But over the years, life taught me a lesson (the hard way), that 1) I'm nowhere near the smartest person out there (in part because intelligence is measured in so many different ways, and in part because I may have been a smart person at my high school, but in the pool of the entire world, I'm pretty low on the overall rank), and 2) that using my intelligence to accomplish things never brought me satisfaction. This was because as soon as I accomplished something, my internal assessment of my talents would rise, and I would hold myself to ever higher standards: "A person of my talent could accomplish even more!"

Talent is a curse, because it builds identities that we cannot live up to. I was indeed "smart" in high school. But the ambitions that I (and others) set up for me were completely unrealistic. The years following high school (where I accomplished little and found little satisfaction) were difficult because that raw potential never panned out. How could it have, when the expectations were so high?

I've seen so many of my friends suffer because they hold on to an identity built around a talent. I've seen people chase jobs they hate because they're talented at them, and want to be perceived as talented. I've seen others hold off on taking a job (including myself) because they believed they were so talented, that they should be offered the perfect job that was on their level. I've seen others push in areas for years and years because they held on to the view that sooner or later, their talent would be recognized, and then they'd be happy.

But as we've all seen in our own lives (time and time again), satisfaction is fleeting. You can't live in the past forever -- the human mind moves on. We can't find lasting satisfaction through achievement. We can only find it by changing our attitudes and minds to be satisfied with reality -- the ever-changing present moment.

Part-Time Masters in Happiness

Today is a very happy day. Today is the day I received my Masters in Happiness. (It was self-conferred, from the University of Jeff, of course). It came after 3 and 1/2 years of part-time work and study on what I consider the most important aspect of our existence.

Today was the completion of a 7-day meditation retreat, hosted by Gil Fronsdal (from the Burmese Theravadin tradition), and Paul Haller (head monk of the SF Zen Center). The week was unquestionably the happiest week in my life, Thursday in particular being the happiest day I've ever experienced. Happiness only deepened and increased as the week went on. But most importantly, it confirmed that the journey I started 3 and a half years ago was in the right direction.

In fall 2007, I was living in Japan working on a startup. I was alone, and working harder than I ever had in my life. Conditions were not promising for happiness. One evening, while sitting alone in a dimly-lit communal eating hall in the basement of my apartment, I reflected on my stressful, lonely work/living situation. But as I ate a delicious fall apple and listened to a moving song on my iPod, tears of joy rolled down my face as I realized that I could still be happy in spite of my situation. The question arose: could there be happiness outside of success, wealth and always having what I want?

In Feb. 2008, I began my exploration (and my studies for my M.H.) in earnest after some suggestions from a very level-headed and scientifically minded friend that I look into meditation. I began with some TED talks on the subject (Mathieu Ricard, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbLEf4HR74E), and decided to try meditating 30 minutes a day. I didn't know what I was doing, but it didn't matter -- I was extremely committed to trying it out. If it didn't work, I'd drop it and try something else.

Since then, I've done a lot as I chased after the foundations of happiness; I've read many books, spent hundreds of hours in meditation, and even taken classes and given talks. All of this while pursuing a busy life in startups and a (real) masters degree at MIT. A small sampling of the work from my (fake) masters degree includes:

Books

• Happiness, Ricard
• Authentic Happiness (from the president of the American Psychological Association), Seligman
• Happiness Hypothesis, Haidt (also a respected Psychologist)
• (a bunch of scientific papers on happiness/psychology)
• Philosopher and the Monk, Ricard/Ricard (a discussion of happiness in western and buddhist philosophy)
• Mindfulness in Plain English, Gunaratana
• and many more books on meditation...

Classes

• The Science of Happiness (Harvard, Etcoff)
• Literature, Ethics, and Authority (MIT, Hafrey, with a lot of discussions on happiness)
• an evolution class that was sort of related...

Random

• Spoke at a TEDx conference at BU on happiness/meditation
• Participating in random Calmingtech Labs discussions (at Stanford)
• Meditation retreat

(Sort of felt like I was writing a resume there...)

But the point is, this week (while spending all of my waking hours in meditation or applying meditation to eating/walking/sleeping), I realized the fruition of that work. After experiencing what was unquestionably the happiest day of my life, I knew that the time I had spent questioning and developing happiness was time well spent. In the last few years, my life has been gradually transformed; more and more of everything I do is steeped in happiness, and less and less is tainted by sadness or anger. If challenged, I could spend an entire day in deep happiness. If you asked me to do that 4 years ago, I wouldn't have known where to start (I had some guesses, involving planning the perfect day, but those days turned out to be oddly unsatisfying.)

The point is, it took me only a few years of (part-time!) work to reach a point where I felt confident in declaring I had earned my Masters in Happiness. It has completely changed my life. Wouldn't a part-time pursuit of true happiness be worth your effort?

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get started on my PhD

:)

(meditating at my real graduation)

Workaholism, Exhaustion, and Escape

The last couple of weeks have been particularly intense with work. I've gotten sucked into the fray -- it's quite an exciting time, but the quantity of work that needs to be done only seems to increase. My day-to-day has become: wake up, go to work immediately, work, working lunch, work, working dinner, work, sleep. Even on Sunday I was up until 2am making changes to the iPhone app. While exciting, I recently felt myself approaching a limit, and noticed that my ability to control my mood (and generally stay happy and calm) was eroding. Thoughts of work began to take a larger and larger share of all my thoughts, and began creeping into my dreams.

Yesterday I hit the exhaustion point. Not enough sleep, compounded with too much activity made for a particularly dreary day. Even meditation didn't help, since I was too tired to maintain focus for more than a few seconds. I slogged along just waiting for the day to end.

I slept a fair amount last night, but not enough to completely clear my exhaustion. I'm still quite tired. This morning it began again; compulsive thoughts about work creeping in, non-stop thoughts towards "getting things done" and complete lack of calm and happiness. But I had enough rest that meditation was at least possible. After just 45 minutes of sitting, I had completely cleared that feeling from my mind. I was completely free, with a deep happiness that persisted-- one that didn't depend on something work-related (no need for success, completion of projects, hitting deadlines, etc). Simply happy and full of love for everyone.

The trick was 1 - get enough sleep, but 2 - to focus on setting everything down for a moment.

I had all these thoughts about work swirling around in my head, and every time I tried to settle my attention on the breath, it went straight back to thinking about something work related. The key was to tell myself "don't worry -- you'll get back to it as soon as you're done. Just put it down for a moment, and pick it up when it's time to go back in. Trust yourself. You'll take care of it when you're done here". I had to do that several times, but I was eventually able to put everything down, and simply observe my breath. From then on, things were much easier, and I wasn't pulled back into the whirlwind of thoughts. I could focus on developing feelings of love towards others, and on observing various mental and physical phenomena. I stood up after 50 minutes, peaceful and happy. Almost unbelievable given my mental state when I started.

Replacing hate with love

One of the lofty ideals promoted by both atheists and religious people alike is loving all of our fellow humans (or even further, all sentient beings). Jesus is perhaps the most well-known proponent of love (in the west), but even anti-establishment/anti-religious figures like John Lenon extol the virtues of Love.

The thing is, it can be really hard to put this ideal into practice. It's easy to love the people that are close to us, that are kind to us, and that love us back. It's easy to love our friends and family members. But what about the other 99.99% of the world's people? And what about the people we hate? Feelings of love rarely flow naturally towards strangers, or even less likely, enemies. It's not only hard to see a reason why we should love those people, but it's hard to do it, even if we decide it's worthwhile.

(As a note, the "love" I'm describing refers to the loving feelings towards another that are void of desire. A good example might be the love you have for your parents/siblings/grandparents/kids/etc. The love for a partner is a bit more complex, but if you're able to separate the feeling of desire from the feeling of selfless love, the latter is what I'm referring to)

As for the merits of loving all beings, I'll keep it brief.

• It will make you happy.
• It will make life easier.
• It makes the world a better place for everyone.

Expressing love (whether externally, or just developed as a "feeling" internally) is directly connected with a feeling of peaceful happiness. Personally, I experience deep happiness when I think about how much I love all people. When I'm in such a mindset, it feels like I'm at a party that all of my closest friends were invited to (except that most of the people are strangers). Life is easy when underneath all the back and forth of our day-to-day dealings, you recognize that you have a deep love for whoever you're interacting with.

And obviously, if everyone acted this way, the world would be a better place. Sorry for my somewhat 8th-grade-level analysis. I'm really really tired right now, but my love for you all drove me to stay up and write this :)

Also note that we need to separate the person from his/her actions. All beings are worthy of our love, even those that seem horrible or that hurt us intentionally. If you're capable of seeing through a person's actions, you'll see that they're another person, just like you. They have needs and emotions that drive them to act in particular ways. Perhaps they're careless, or even act with malicious intent. It's ok to recognize that those actions they take are detrimental to the happiness of others. But don't condemn the person. Doing so will stop short of the ideal of universal love, and will harbor feelings of hatred within your mind. It's very difficult to feel the depth of happiness that results from loving all people if you harbor even the slightest feeling of ill will towards others.

Ok, so that was some pretty lofty stuff; time for something practical.

Recently, I noticed that although I generally feel positively towards all people, I'm not capable of loving all people in all situations, all the time. There are times when I get irritated with others. There are times when I want people to go away. There are times when I get angry at others. These are all momentary instances of hatred (or ill will) towards another being. The ideal that I strive for is elimination of even those moments. But it's a tough task.

I've approached the situation as follows:

• I try to maintain a constant mindfulness of my feelings (especially my feelings toward others) at all times. "How do I feel towards that person?" "How about now?" It requires a real honesty with yourself. It's ok for me to feel irritated/angry/annoyed. I just make sure to note it
• Every time I feel even the slightest irritation towards another person, I try to catch it. "Aha, I'm irritated at him" "Oh, I'm feeling dislike towards her". The key is not to assume it's a binary thing (I like him/I dislike him), but to recognize that our feelings change from moment to moment. Sometimes we might like someone, and sometimes we might be angry with him. Even with my fiancee (whom I love very much), I sometimes find myself feeling ill will towards her. It's not that I don't love her -- it's simply that I'm feeling ill will at that very moment. Nothing more serious than a passing feeling.
• Once I've caught myself in the act of hate, I observe it. "What does it feel like?" "Is there a physical sensation associated with it?" "What is my mood? Is it linked?"
• Upon observation, the hatred softens. I immediately grab a foothold, and start trying to generate feelings of love towards the other person. (I draw a lot on loving-kindness meditation practice -- it really helps). I remember how much I love someone else, and then apply that feeling immediately to the person I'm feeling irritated towards. I try to grow that love as much as possible.
• Love wins out. I then repeat every time I can. Development is slow, but steady.

Note that this entire process from start to finish happens within the span of a couple of seconds, with very little visible change in my exterior. But it is indeed happening. And each time it happens, so my love grows, as does my intolerance for even the slightest sliver of hate.

Persistence is the key to change

Difficult surfing

This thought also came to me while meditating:

"Our default way of finding happiness in this world is to obtain or achieve something, derive some satisfaction from it, and then move on and attempt to obtain or achieve the next thing that we assume will provide us with some satisfaction. In other words, we are riding precariously on a moving stream of achievements to find happiness, but we sometimes fall off."

For years I have operated under the assumption that this is the only method of finding happiness that we as humans have available to us.

And I have struggled with it. At times, the surfing was easy; successes rolled in one after another, and there was little time in between to worry about the relatively minor problems in life. Life was good enough. But at times, the waves that life threw at me were treacherous and difficult to read. I was tossed around without direction; I questioned my every thought, felt I was worthless, and thought of happiness as something foreign and useless.

Such is the problem with using a moving stream of achievements as our path to happiness -- sometimes things are just not in our control. In fact, a lot of times. Permanent happiness is far from guaranteed when success is uncertain, and problems continuously arise.

It was only after practicing meditation diligently (and lots of reading) that I came to recognize that there is another way to find happiness, one that does not rely on the ever-fickle external world. Others explain it much better than I could, but I might sum up my understanding of it as the following:

• there is no permanent self that can accrue benefit or loss;
• living for individual achievements will therefore never lead to permanent satisfaction (as there is no permanent self to which those achievements can accrue);
• insight meditation is the path to experiencing the truth of non-self personally;
• through the experience of non-self, pure and complete satisfaction with the present moment is attainable;
• such a happiness is permanent, lasting, and has no external requirements for continuation -- development of positive traits in the mind through meditation are its whole foundation, and cause it to persist throughout life.

While I cannot claim to have achieved such a lofty state, I can claim to be well on my way. Never before in any of my pursuits did I achieve feelings of peace and happiness that even approach what I feel now. However, through this pursuit [meditation], happiness has become a constant companion, even at the dullest or most painful moments in life.

Quit surfing. You'll never find stability. Build yourself an island, and live comfortably on solid ground.

Problems

I had this thought as I meditated under a tree in the parking lot at the AOL building:

"If you don't recognize that problems come from within and not from without, you will have problems all your life.

If you recognize their true origin, you have the potential to eliminate them permanently, one by one"

The explanation of this thought is the following: The problems in our lives appear to always come from the outside -- that person is being mean to me, I'm not getting paid enough by my work, I'm lonely because my friends don't talk to me. However, it is never the external situation on its own that is a problem. If someone is being mean, it only appears that way to us -- they feel completely justified in what they are doing. It's actually my desire to be treated with respect that is causing me anguish. If I feel I'm not getting paid enough, it is actually my dissatisfaction with the pay I'm receiving that is causing me pain. My friends not talking to me is not enough to cause loneliness in itself; it is my unceasing internal need to feel loved by my friends that when unfulfilled is causing me to suffer.

So long as we have strong needs and wants for objects or for circumstances to be a particular way, problems will continue to arise. Even as one problem is solved (I get a raise at work) another arises (I now am dissatisfied with the weather, etc.). So long as we cling to the view that problems are real, absolute, and caused entirely by forces external to our selves, they will never cease to arise. There is no end to problems for such a person.

However, as we begin to recognize that problems have their origin from within and not from without, we have the capacity to eliminate the problems entirely. If I realize that someone being mean to me causes me suffering only because I don't want that person to be mean to me (and not because they are objectively mean), I can work to eliminate that "want" through diligent practice, and I will soon be indifferent towards that person's actions towards me. (Perhaps I can even cultivate a feeling of positivity towards that person!). The same applies for the others: perhaps I can work to alter my strong desire for money, or eliminate the FOMA (fear of missing out) that causes me to suffer when I am alone.

But how can such softening or elimination of desires and fears be accomplished? Through diligent practice of insight meditation. I'll leave that to the experts, but I will explain what I've seen in my own experience. Through the process of observation and mindfulness of my own feelings and thoughts, the solidity of the aforementioned feelings (feeling hurt by others, wanting more money, feeling lonely) has softened tremendously. In fact, I'm now at the point where I can say that when someone offends me, I'm improving to the point where I direct a feeling of love towards them within a few seconds. I'm now at the point where I feel no need for money (besides what is necessary to pay off my school debt, rent, and food). I'm now at the point where I still enjoy the company of friends, but I quickly settle into a feeling of peace when I am alone, and I can savor the joy of silence. Progress comes through practice.

If you don't recognize that problems come from within and not from without, you will have problems all your life.

If you recognize their true origin, you have the potential to eliminate them permanently, one by one

Softness

I read in one of the many books on meditation that I have (probably http://www.urbandharma.org/pdf/mindfulness_in_plain_english.pdf), that when you develop mindfulness, everything picks up a sort of softness.

After sitting for only 45 min today, I had some interesting insights (that thoughts become more solid not only because of the initial concept, but because there is a chain of concepts that follows that also "plant anchors" and trick the mind into believing there is solidity to a particular concept). But very interestingly, there is now a mental and physical sensation of softness that is pervading everything I think, feel, and do. The keys have a softness in their bounce that I've never felt before. All of the thoughts that pass through my mind lack a heaviness, and are soft in the way you might imagine a cloud to feel. Happiness pervades everything I think and do right now.

A lovely feeling, which will hopefully lead to more insights.

The beginning of the end

As a quick follow-on to the previous post, I am now confident that I am at the beginning of the end (of suffering). It is only a matter of time and sustained effort. Whether I will achieve that goal before my death, nobody knows. But it is not a terribly important concern

Transition

Today, I felt (with confidence) that I am making the transition away from the concept of permanent self. I'm fairly confident that I've found or am rapidly approaching an early stage of enlightenment (in traditional terms, stream entry).

There were a couple of realizations today during meditation. One was more simple, and is connected to the concept of impermanence. As I was walking, I noticed a lunchbox. But as I continued to pay full attention to my thoughts/mind/body, I noticed that my concept of the lunchbox was continuously in flux. This helped me recognize that even the things I habitually conceptualize are not actually solid, unchanging things.

The other was profound, and difficult to put into words. There seemed to be two parts to it. As I watched the ever-changing patterns, thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc., of my mind and body, I recognized a truth I had begun to see over the past few weeks: there is no self, only a constantly changing experience of the present moment. There is nothing solid and unchanging that remains from one moment to the next.

(I eliminated a subtle concept that had acted as a "sign" for non-self. As I fully experienced each passing moment during meditation, an "aha" moment came: that the only thing required to recognize non-self was not a concept or knowledge or an understanding -- it was to simply observe this ever-changing experience. I thought: "There is no self. The full and direct experience of the present moment is the proof.)

The other part of that experience was the understanding that there was nothing to achieve in the first place. Nothing beyond simply experiencing the present is required. There was no enlightenment, there was nothing to strive for, there was nothing that this current experience lacked. I now understand why they say that everyone has "Buddha nature" (as in "all people are enlightened in their natural state")

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EDIT: As of 11/21/2011, I still don't think I have eliminated the concept of self. I still think I'm relatively close, as I sit in non-self for short periods in meditation. But it was definitely not complete at the time of this post, nor was I as close as I thought I was when I wrote it! Still peeling away at the onion...

A beginning

I think it's a bit odd to start this blog well into my journey, but I suppose there's never a better time than now to get started. And please excuse the brevity of this and other posts -- perfection has been the enemy of getting started.

Basically, at some point in the past month or so, I recognized that enlightenment* (see below) in some form is not only attainable by normal people within this life, but that it is a worthwhile goal that I should strive for. I haven't by any means renounced this world or given up my ambitions. I recognize that those actions may be required to reach a "complete" enlightenment, but I also realized that earlier stages (of enlightenment) are indeed within reach, even for people living normal, working lives.

With that said, I'll take the next few posts to write about some of the history leading up to this point, as well as some specific experiences and practices that have given me great encouragement over the past 3.5 years. It hasn't been very long at all, yet I sense I'm on the cusp of something...

I hope you'll enjoy this (rather rambling) journey with me.

jeff

(* by enlightenment, I'm referring to the transformation of the mind to a state of great peace, and a mindset of openness [with the important distinction of the elimination of the concepts of "I", "me", and "mine"]. To be honest, I'm not very good at describing it. I think that the Buddha's description of the 4 stages is very clear, so I'll defer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_stages_of_enlightenment. For those who want a summary, the 4 stages are: "stream entry" (elimination of the concept of self, recognition of the validity of the buddha's techniques for mind training, and relinquishing attachment to ritual). A "once-returner" has weakened lust, hate, and greed to a greater degree. A "non-returner" has eliminated sensual desire, and ill will. An arahant is said to be perfectly enlightened, having completely removed more subtle mental "fetters". But to put it back into "normal" words, each stage of enlightenment describes a person who has strengthened their mind to a given degree by removing harmful thoughts/emotions [things like hate/greed/jealousy/insecurity/sadness/etc.], as well as their sources. It's really just a scale with grades of different mental training, as you might put runners into different classes of training: "beginner" "amateur" "pro" "olympic athlete")