Workaholism, Exhaustion, and Escape

The last couple of weeks have been particularly intense with work. I've gotten sucked into the fray -- it's quite an exciting time, but the quantity of work that needs to be done only seems to increase. My day-to-day has become: wake up, go to work immediately, work, working lunch, work, working dinner, work, sleep. Even on Sunday I was up until 2am making changes to the iPhone app. While exciting, I recently felt myself approaching a limit, and noticed that my ability to control my mood (and generally stay happy and calm) was eroding. Thoughts of work began to take a larger and larger share of all my thoughts, and began creeping into my dreams.

Yesterday I hit the exhaustion point. Not enough sleep, compounded with too much activity made for a particularly dreary day. Even meditation didn't help, since I was too tired to maintain focus for more than a few seconds. I slogged along just waiting for the day to end.

I slept a fair amount last night, but not enough to completely clear my exhaustion. I'm still quite tired. This morning it began again; compulsive thoughts about work creeping in, non-stop thoughts towards "getting things done" and complete lack of calm and happiness. But I had enough rest that meditation was at least possible. After just 45 minutes of sitting, I had completely cleared that feeling from my mind. I was completely free, with a deep happiness that persisted-- one that didn't depend on something work-related (no need for success, completion of projects, hitting deadlines, etc). Simply happy and full of love for everyone.

The trick was 1 - get enough sleep, but 2 - to focus on setting everything down for a moment.

I had all these thoughts about work swirling around in my head, and every time I tried to settle my attention on the breath, it went straight back to thinking about something work related. The key was to tell myself "don't worry -- you'll get back to it as soon as you're done. Just put it down for a moment, and pick it up when it's time to go back in. Trust yourself. You'll take care of it when you're done here". I had to do that several times, but I was eventually able to put everything down, and simply observe my breath. From then on, things were much easier, and I wasn't pulled back into the whirlwind of thoughts. I could focus on developing feelings of love towards others, and on observing various mental and physical phenomena. I stood up after 50 minutes, peaceful and happy. Almost unbelievable given my mental state when I started.

Replacing hate with love

One of the lofty ideals promoted by both atheists and religious people alike is loving all of our fellow humans (or even further, all sentient beings). Jesus is perhaps the most well-known proponent of love (in the west), but even anti-establishment/anti-religious figures like John Lenon extol the virtues of Love.

The thing is, it can be really hard to put this ideal into practice. It's easy to love the people that are close to us, that are kind to us, and that love us back. It's easy to love our friends and family members. But what about the other 99.99% of the world's people? And what about the people we hate? Feelings of love rarely flow naturally towards strangers, or even less likely, enemies. It's not only hard to see a reason why we should love those people, but it's hard to do it, even if we decide it's worthwhile.

(As a note, the "love" I'm describing refers to the loving feelings towards another that are void of desire. A good example might be the love you have for your parents/siblings/grandparents/kids/etc. The love for a partner is a bit more complex, but if you're able to separate the feeling of desire from the feeling of selfless love, the latter is what I'm referring to)

As for the merits of loving all beings, I'll keep it brief.

• It will make you happy.
• It will make life easier.
• It makes the world a better place for everyone.

Expressing love (whether externally, or just developed as a "feeling" internally) is directly connected with a feeling of peaceful happiness. Personally, I experience deep happiness when I think about how much I love all people. When I'm in such a mindset, it feels like I'm at a party that all of my closest friends were invited to (except that most of the people are strangers). Life is easy when underneath all the back and forth of our day-to-day dealings, you recognize that you have a deep love for whoever you're interacting with.

And obviously, if everyone acted this way, the world would be a better place. Sorry for my somewhat 8th-grade-level analysis. I'm really really tired right now, but my love for you all drove me to stay up and write this :)

Also note that we need to separate the person from his/her actions. All beings are worthy of our love, even those that seem horrible or that hurt us intentionally. If you're capable of seeing through a person's actions, you'll see that they're another person, just like you. They have needs and emotions that drive them to act in particular ways. Perhaps they're careless, or even act with malicious intent. It's ok to recognize that those actions they take are detrimental to the happiness of others. But don't condemn the person. Doing so will stop short of the ideal of universal love, and will harbor feelings of hatred within your mind. It's very difficult to feel the depth of happiness that results from loving all people if you harbor even the slightest feeling of ill will towards others.

Ok, so that was some pretty lofty stuff; time for something practical.

Recently, I noticed that although I generally feel positively towards all people, I'm not capable of loving all people in all situations, all the time. There are times when I get irritated with others. There are times when I want people to go away. There are times when I get angry at others. These are all momentary instances of hatred (or ill will) towards another being. The ideal that I strive for is elimination of even those moments. But it's a tough task.

I've approached the situation as follows:

• I try to maintain a constant mindfulness of my feelings (especially my feelings toward others) at all times. "How do I feel towards that person?" "How about now?" It requires a real honesty with yourself. It's ok for me to feel irritated/angry/annoyed. I just make sure to note it
• Every time I feel even the slightest irritation towards another person, I try to catch it. "Aha, I'm irritated at him" "Oh, I'm feeling dislike towards her". The key is not to assume it's a binary thing (I like him/I dislike him), but to recognize that our feelings change from moment to moment. Sometimes we might like someone, and sometimes we might be angry with him. Even with my fiancee (whom I love very much), I sometimes find myself feeling ill will towards her. It's not that I don't love her -- it's simply that I'm feeling ill will at that very moment. Nothing more serious than a passing feeling.
• Once I've caught myself in the act of hate, I observe it. "What does it feel like?" "Is there a physical sensation associated with it?" "What is my mood? Is it linked?"
• Upon observation, the hatred softens. I immediately grab a foothold, and start trying to generate feelings of love towards the other person. (I draw a lot on loving-kindness meditation practice -- it really helps). I remember how much I love someone else, and then apply that feeling immediately to the person I'm feeling irritated towards. I try to grow that love as much as possible.
• Love wins out. I then repeat every time I can. Development is slow, but steady.

Note that this entire process from start to finish happens within the span of a couple of seconds, with very little visible change in my exterior. But it is indeed happening. And each time it happens, so my love grows, as does my intolerance for even the slightest sliver of hate.

Persistence is the key to change